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[ He stops himself because the emotions are still running pretty high. Bullying riles him up for so many reasons, but he can't forget what it was like either. He has to return to the Roland of the past, the little kid who thought taking in the hits and letting the bullies do what they wanted with him was the right thing to do.
He doesn't move into that enclosed space Inigo takes up for himself as he backs away. Instead, Roland takes a quick moment to close his eyes and just breathe. This seemed to be more than a Reno issue, even if that's how it started. This was about Inigo hearing what his insecurities are telling him are true, even when they're not. The redhead's bullying was just making it worse, amplifying it, validating it.
And that required a different approach to argue against. Roland thinks. He looks back and wonders what he could have done if he had to speak to the little one of his past; what he would tell Will, if Will came up to him and told him he was getting bullied too.
Roland leans against the sink, arms crossed. His energy returns to his regular wavelength, even if he'll never forget what Reno said to Inigo for as long as he's on the train. That, he'll deal with later. His voice remains intense, hushed. ]
None of it is true, Inigo. You're not just loved, you're also brave. And generous. And kind. Warm. Friendly. You're all those things, and more. [ He shakes his head, loosening his hair tie. ] But I know you're not going to believe me off the bat. That voice in our heads is a lot stronger than we give it credit for. [ He speaks from experience now, only hoping to empathize with Inigo in a different way. ]
I should know. [ Roland glances at Inigo, cramped as they are in this little bathroom they were just cleaning moments before. He's much calmer now, even though his words are weighty. ] A lot of people said mean, nasty things about me too, once upon a time. They hurt me in ways I can't forget. And the worst part was I believed them, thought they were right. I even told myself, maybe if I just agreed to all of it, all that abuse, then they'd finally leave me alone.
They didn't. And I felt terrible, every single day. But on and on, it went. Inside my head, outside with the other kids. A never-ending cycle.
[ Inigo may not know it right away, but this was a narration of Roland's own past. A lesson he wishes to impart, even if it was unsolicited or unwarranted. ]
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But thankfully he doesn't have to address that. Instead he can just listen to the rest of what the other says, even though his story baffles Inigo. He even has to sit down on the toilet - with the cover down, thank you very much - to fully take in the story. ]
You told yourself those kinds of things..? [ Inigo sounds baffled, like he can't wrap his head around it. Roland being bullied is one thing - it sucks, but sometimes you can't help it when others decide to pick on you, no matter how great you are. But.. how could Roland of all people repeat those words back to himself too? He's so great in every way. Not to mention he seems so much more outwardly confident than Inigo ever feels! ] But.. you don't do that anymore now though, do you..?
[ Roland has never seemed like him. Inigo hasn't thought of them as similar, just for that fundamental difference. Roland is confident and capable. Inigo is not. ]
Is it since you don't have to deal with those people anymore?
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No one will ever truly understand how much pain he hides, or the amount of guilt he harbors for the things that he couldn't do for his country.
He leans more comfortably now, watching the suds starting to dry on the floor. Their work left unfinished, for now. ]
Something like that. [ He answers simply, at first. And it's vague for a reason - is he affirming Inigo's first or second question? Maybe both? And though this is now his third time repeating this story, the feeling that washes over him doesn't grow dull. He credits it to how he eventually found his voice, even when everyone around him chose to silence him instead. ]
I was just a kid, then. I was smaller than everyone else, so they picked on me and I couldn't do much against them. I let them do those things to me because I felt like being smaller might have meant it gave them permission. Maybe a part of my younger self believed that.
[ A short beat passes before he meets Inigo's gaze as he sits on the closed toilet bowl. His hand makes a gesture in the air as he continues. ]
But do you want to know how I realized I had to do something?
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It feels a little unfair to listen to it, since it's not like Inigo has had to endure truly being picked on, other than the whole situation with Reno here. His situation - where it's mostly his own brain being hard on him, because compared to others he's always just not strong enough, not fast enough, always a step behind - doesn't feel like it's as rough as Roland's at all.
But he does his best to listen all the same, trying to appreciate that Roland trusts him enough to share it all the same, even as Inigo feels his heart growing heavy while sitting there. ]
Yes. How did you realise..?
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Every time I came home crying, I would look at my mom's face and see how hurt she was. It killed me, watching her suffer like that.
[ He closes his eyes. Decades have passed and still it all remains clear. It was an integral part of his development, well into adulthood he keeps it as a reminder that bullying would never be tolerated now that he's earned power. He hopes that even in some way, he could do the same for Inigo - grant him the strength to at least, try. When he opens his eyes now, he makes sure to catch Inigo's eye, an ember of determination thrown his way. ]
I'd like to think my mom wasn't any different than any other parent or guardian out there. If they knew their kid was being bullied, being made to believe that they were less of a person than others were...it just isn't right. [ He doesn't have to be too explicit. He assumes with the way he's speaking, and the words he's choosing, Roland knows Inigo is getting at the real meaning. It's not even about Roland being his adopted father on the train; but more of the one person Inigo cares about the most. If Olivia knew about the things he's convinced himself he was, exacerbated by Reno's excessive picking, what would she say? She would be heartbroken, and Roland didn't even need to meet her in person to know that. ]
Just something to think about, for when it gets tough up in here. [ He offers a quiet smile, taps the side of his temple twice. It's not at all meant to be a solution, but a gentle offering, a way out if it works. ] It's pretty hard to talk yourself down and believe bullies when you've got the invincible power of your mom by your side, right? [ And boy, his mom sure was. Olivia too; by degree of having a son who cared so much about others. She had to have been. ]
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It's an easy connection to make, after all. Roland's intense reaction to bullying makes it very clear that he thinks it isn't right, and he is Inigo's father here on the train. It sure doesn't help Inigo's anxiety - with where the speech is headed, it almost feels like Roland is about to say he's disappointed in Inigo for not doing more about this. For not fighting back more than he has already tried to.
But then the conversation flips over in a different direction, Inigo realising the true meaning behind the other guy's words when he mentions Inigo's mother.
.. He's not sure if that makes him feel better or just worse though. ]
Roland.. Mother is dead. [ He puts his hands on top of his knees, his fingers digging into the fabric of his pants. ] She doesn't have to know about this. Any of this.
[ Not just the bullying. But also Inigo's incredible lack of any self esteem. Or the way he turned out - patheticly weak yet stained with blood at the same time. The worst of two worlds. The thought of showing his mother anything other than a smile threatens to tear his heart apart. ]
I-- I shouldn't have told you either, huh. [ His gaze turns downward, the knuckles on his hands starting to turn white from his grip. ] Forgive me, I didn't mean to burden you with the knowledge of all this. I am dealing with it myself, so there is no need for you to worry or get upset. I will solve this.
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One of them of course, is assuming that his mother was already gone. How could Roland not read in between the lines? How could he ignore that look in Inigo's eyes whenever he speaks of Olivia? More than anyone, he was familiar with loss the most. He may try to fight it, but his pain lingers close, never too far from his heart. Inigo's eyes are always glossy with something deeper, and now he knows one of the reasons why his heart is tender; why it beats so strongly the way that it does.
He listens to Inigo speak, but he also makes his way towards him, crosses that short distance between them, and carefully, lays a gentle hand against his hair, stroking it softly, comfortingly. ]
I know, Inigo. I kind of figured. [ He continues to stroke his hair, back and forth, radiating warmth with low tones reverberating against his chest. ] And I'm sorry for your loss. It's...it's never easy, and it hardly gets better even when days and years pass. You just sort of live with it. [ As he has. As he does. Will lost his mother too, and at such a young age. He told Inigo as much before, in the forest, but it hits Roland harder when he knows deep down, he may have lost Will too; to the fire, to the brimstone. ]
[ He stays silent for a good while, letting the conversation ease into a steady rhythm as heavy as it was - for both of them. Roland watches Inigo's fist grip into his clothes and he knows he needs to keep going, though his comforting touch is never too far away. ]
We all come from different worlds, different dimensions. But still, a part of me thinks it's universal that parents are still looking out for their children. Even if they're separated by time, space...life, or death. [ He closes his eyes for a breath of a moment. So close; too close to his own horror, but he will keep going. He must. ] Even when they're not with you, you know they still are. They're a part of you, forever.
So, just think about that okay? [ Roland's voice remains as young as he looks, but somehow, he has once again transcended the magic; now, as his hand continues to keep Inigo close, he is the same man, the same father, just trying his best. ] That Olivia is rooting for you, even now, and that someone who's earned all of her love can't possibly be as bad of a person as they think they are.
[ He halts the strokes against Inigo's hair as he kneels to his eye level, similar to how he looked at him in Jema'grethy. The emotion swelling behind Roland's eyes is unmistakable. ]
And you have to stop calling it a burden on me when I want in. I'll help you carry whatever load you lend me. That includes dealing with this, with Reno, with whoever hurts you. I promised, right?
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And Roland gives that here in spades. He's trying so hard to make Inigo feel better. He can see that, even though it's hard to ignore the constant hum of anxiety that hangs around at the back of his brain at all times.
Inigo actually looks up to hold Roland's gaze when the other kneels. Even though it's hard, especially the more he sees that emotion in the other's eyes, practically mirrored in Inigo's own. Like it's all about to burst forth. ]
R-- Roland..
[ The words echo in his mind. That Olivia is rooting for you, even now, and that someone who's earned all of her love can't possibly be as bad of a person as they think they are.
His mind travels back, months and months back, before he ever learned of this train. Back when he saw his mother for the last time - no, the Olivia from the past, not his mother, he tries to remind himself. That time when she had smiled so warmly at him, and said I'll do anything to make you happy, my darling boy.
And now here's Roland. Obviously filled with just as many emotions. Even though Inigo obviously isn't his biological son. Even though they only got to know each other here, and perhaps not even all that long in the grand scheme of things-- But even so, in the same vein, he says I'll help you carry whatever load you lend me.
Inigo reaches out, his arms wrapping around Roland's shoulders, which is thankfully easy when the other is kneeling down and Inigo is sitting. He buries his face into the other's shoulder, loudly sniffing. ]
Thank you.. [ He gasps more than he actually says, hot tears starting to swell in his eyes. 'Thank you' for so many things. For listening to his dumb problems. For wanting to help him with said dumb problems. For giving him chance after chance after chance. ] Thank you for being my father...
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It wasn't Inigo's eyes, the way he looked at Roland like he was saving him from the dark.
It wasn't the way he cried, or the tears that now wet his shirt.
It wasn't even the flurry of emotion that overtake Inigo the moment Roland tells him that his mother wouldn't have wanted to see her only son be so down on himself, convinced that a bully's words were the truth.
No, it was because Inigo told him - Thank you for being my father - that breaks Roland's guard completely and utterly. His eyes grow wide, his mouth opens, slightly agape. The shock is good, it feels good, but he feels unworthy of it. Inigo's gratitude was too pure for him, too much for his heart to bear.
Though moments ago he was asking Inigo to fight his inner saboteur, here was Roland allowing his insecurities to suddenly overtake him in a maelstrom of doubt. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be thanked for being a father. No one's ever told him that before. Not even Will, who he knows he's already failed. He's failed his son, allowed him to die. Even his determination had its limits, and there are nights when he wonders what has become of Will, his home, his country. The imprint of his shame. The source of his sorrow.
Roland eventually moves his arms around Inigo as he cries into his shoulder, and for the first time in a long time, outside of the twisted landscape of his own mind, the president closes his eyes and allows a silent tear - or two - to roll down his face.
Thank you for being my father.
But I don't deserve your gratitude. ]
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Hey now, it's okay. Let it out. It's fine. Cry as much as you want. Don't hold back.
[ He repeats the words he knows he's said to Inigo a while back now. It's all he can draw back on because he can't - he won't - take that from Inigo. He won't acknowledge his gratitude, not until he's earned the right. From all of them. From Will. From Evan. From Inigo. ]
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He doesn't know - perhaps blissfully oblivious, in this case, because there is no way Inigo wouldn't have argued about how much Roland does deserve his praise, deserves even much more than that otherwise.
But for now, without that knowledge, there's none of that. Instead Inigo just cries, the tears only coming and coming when he hears those words from the other.
He feels more than a little ridiculous. He knows Roland won't mind, that the other won't judge him, but Inigo is fairly sure anyone else would take one look at this and find it ridiculous.
Hence why he mumbles between tears: ]
I'm not a toddler, you know..
[ He shouldn't have to cry like this. After everything he's been through, he should be numb by now. But he isn't. ]
I-- It's just.. overwhelming. You're so nice to me. I feel like I'm not giving you enough in return..
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[ He chuckles affectionately. ] I know that. Doesn't mean you shouldn't cry it all out anyway. [ An irony, considering Roland himself would refuse it if he was faced with the same circumstance. He lets Inigo continue to cry against his shoulder for a couple more minutes, not wanting to rush what to say either. He tightens his hold around him, finally finding his voice, fond and heavy. ]
...I don't want anything. [ Just let me protect you. He swallows thickly, and adds another thing, just as sentimental as the first. ]
Except maybe, I want you to try. Try fighting it. Even if you don't win, that's okay. Keep fighting with all of your heart until one day, you do win. Okay? [ Roland knows Inigo understands. The voices. The ones telling him he'll never be enough, that he's weak, that he's everything Reno says is true. ] It's not going to be easy, but you're not alone. And what could pull down Olivia's son, anyway? Heh. Nothing, that's what.
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But he hasn't. That's the proof that he's been fighting it. But it's just-- his current level of fighting isn't enough to make them go away, isn't enough to prevent his heart from sinking every time all the same.
He wipes at his eyes. ]
.. of course I'll try fighting it. [ But it's just hard, he means to say, though Inigo swallows those words right back up. ] You're right here with me, after all. And so are all of my friends here.
[ That's what makes it worth it - has always made it worth it. As long as he's not alone, Inigo knows he can keep going. Just as long as he's not all alone. ]
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[ He lets his hands gently grasp at the sides of the boy's face, one wiping his tears away with his thumbs, the other just resting there, a palm warm against Inigo's cheek. Roland settles on this tender act for a few more moments before he pats the top of Inigo's head and lets go, stands up and offers to help the other up from the toilet seat. ]
If Reno does anything like what he's pulled on you before, and you need backup, you come and find me, alright? [ His arms fold over his chest. ] Promise me.
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[ Inigo seems to start a protest. And there are so many things he could protest that with. That he can handle Reno by himself. That asking someone else to help him will just make him look even more dumb to the other. That he doesn't want to get Roland involved in something potentially nasty.
But it feels like no excuse will work here. Inigo has already seen the determination in the other's eyes.
So instead he just silently grabs Roland's hand to help him stand up again, looking resigned to his fate. ]
.. Alright. I promise, Roland. Just.. as long as it won't do anything bad to you..
[ The last thing Inigo needs is the guilt of causing a schandal like 'team lead Roland went completely off on one of his team members', considering the intensity of Roland's initial reaction to hearing it. ]
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Anything bad to me? Don't worry. I can handle myself. [ Which is true...But to what extent? ] No matter what, I'm always going to hold myself accountable for my actions. I'll never regret standing by your side to stand up to a bully.
[ The smile he offers is meant to tell Inigo that he hears his worry. Roland looks to be no older than him, but Tidus and Inigo are both aware of who he really is. You don't get to live to be president because you couldn't handle yourself at the diplomat's negotiating table.
But to what extent...?Does that even matter when the end came for his country anyway?]Come on. [ He nudges his chin gently with the back of his hand. ] Let's rinse this all up and finish here.