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But he could count the number of times in one hand where he actually conceded, and now that Inigo fully admits he would absolutely sleep much better if he had someone to hug every night, Roland's mind can't help but travel to a distant past...One that he might never really see again. ]
Hm. [ Roland stares up at the bottom of the other bunk bed, the mattress on the top deck. His hands continue to move to soothe, not once going still. ] It shouldn't have to, though. If the train didn't put us to our own bunks every time we wake up, it might have been doable for you to have a permanent sleepmate around. [ He stops his ministrations now, opting instead to pat Inigo quietly in a rhythmic motion. ]
I guess we just have different strategies on dealing with what we dream about, heh. I tend to just...wake up and stay awake. [ Which explains his own fatigue from time to time, or why if you had enough in you to resist the train's lull of sleep, one would find Roland mulling about in one car or another, writing furiously, or reading, or just sitting there in silence. ]
But this is good too. I hope it works.
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[ He mumbles. Honestly, Inigo isn't so sure of that. Even if the train didn't creepily move them around at night somehow, who would possibly want to spend every night with him like this? Sure, Tidus and Gerome had both given in at different points to let Inigo cuddle with them, but there's no way they would want this every night and Inigo knows it. And Bucky-- well, he didn't seem to mind, but Inigo knows for sure he has his own life to lead. Inigo can't just rely on anyone to want to be his permanent cuddle mate. He just has to learn to be stronger than that, to grow beyond that childish need.
So he doesn't linger on that topic, instead sucking in a breath - slowly, since despite the worries and negative thoughts, his body at the very least is relatively relaxed - and thinking about the rest of what Roland says. ]
Staying up is no good though, you know.. You're going to get tired at some point. Even someone as amazing as you, Roland. [ Being amazing does not, in fact, make you invincible or free of common human qualities like needing to sleep every night!
And before Inigo realises it, he's already half-sleepily mumbling on, the filter between his mouth and brain starting to fade. ]
I've been so worried about you.. the past few days. It's like you seem more tired every single day.. And I don't know how to solve it.
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A woman's voice drawls on, an edge of anxiety, colored by love she doesn't know how else to express. 'Please, just...take a weekend off. He's performing for the other kids. It's a sock puppet show of his favorite story.'
If he seems to be hugging Inigo tighter, more firmer now, Roland doesn't notice it. He blinks, and again another voice ghosts against his ear, calling him further and further in. A young boy, with no business sounding as happy as he did when he says, 'I watched you on TV last night, daddy! You looked really cool. You must be...really busy, huh? That's okay. The nurses tucked me in and your head of security even came to give me a stuffed animal! You picked it out, he said!'
He exhales shakily, but does his best so that he doesn't stir Inigo too much. Doesn't show him that he's struggling, harder than ever the more he travels away from the light. ]
Thank you. [ Roland whispers, his head angling down a little more so he can see the top of Inigo's hair. ] You're...too kind to me, pup. What you give me, is enough. [ 'But I never deserved any of it. The votes. The family I couldn't save. And now...This too.'
There's nothing that could solve Roland's perpetual fatigue; the tiredness that always lingers behind his stern gaze. Not until he knows. Not until he can save.
Roland bites the inside of his cheeks, debating on something. Thinking hard as he loosens his hold on the boy in his arms, just enough so there's little restraint. Then, after his silent deliberation, he speaks again. Unlike Inigo, Roland talks wide awake, aware. But weakening. Wanting to rest the way Inigo wishes for him, but can't. Shouldn't. Never. ]
Tell me something about you that I don't already know. Anything at all. [ Roland attempts a smile, gaze returning to stare at the drab mattress hovering above them. The tapping motions against Inigo resume. ] Even something silly.
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Is it just because Roland has been so tired? Is it because of all the things that must have been on his mind recently? The visions back on that island, the situation with Tidus, maybe more that Inigo doesn't even know about-- the things that he can't seem to get off the other's mind, no matter how hard he tries to distract Roland with just about anything.
So even though the other guy says it's enough, it doesn't feel that way. What Inigo is giving him can't be enough until he can find something to do to make it better. It can't be enough until he's giving to Roland what Roland gives to him.
So he sleepily groans, shifting a little. His hands move, and it's like he's trying to hold onto Roland even tighter as well, like that may be enough to let the other feel better. (It probably won't, but what else can he do?) ]
About me..? [ He mumbles though at the latter words once they come. He doesn't like talking about himself, but there's no way he could tell Roland no in a situation where he'd do just about anything for the other.
Though, even as sleepy as he is, he knows there's so much he has to avoid mentioning. Huge chunks of his life that he has to hide away from Roland forever, if he can. He'd just make the other worry more. ]
When we were little.. my big sister and I sometimes tried to switch places. When I didn't want to attend a swordfighting lesson with Frederick, or she didn't want to do her dancing lessons.. we just put on the other's clothes and went in their place. She could tuck her hair in so it was much shorter, and my voice was higher back then, so we seemed very much alike..
[ His tone is sleepy, but fond. He loves his sister so much. He misses her so much. Especially now, during these days when he's felt so unsure of everything. He misses his beacon. ]
But we were really just dumb kids. Our Brands aren't in the same eye, so of course everyone figured out right away that they had the wrong kid in front of them. And yet we never knew how they always figured it out so easily..
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Hm. Is that so? I didn't know you were a mischievous kid. But hey, dance lessons, huh? [ He peers down at Inigo, watching him fall into a state of peace that suits someone so young. That's how it should be. People like Inigo, still growing, still trying to find their places in life - they needed moments like this where they can be safe. Where men like Roland can take to the front, to guide the nightmares away, even for just a second. ] I have a feeling you'd cut quite a figure on the dance floor. [ Roland pats his back again, gentle motions returning easily. ] The only time I ever got a chance to dance was when my wife and I used to attend galas and state dinners. Slow dancing to music, nothing too crazy. I was even invited to dance during the Purple mixer, y'know. But I don't think I would have kept up with some of the elves in attendance. Heh.
[ Curufin tried to explain to him how it worked, but Roland wasn't as intuitive on that front as he would have liked. Still. Imagining Inigo in that role was a bit lighter on the forefront of his mind; gentle as he already was, a serene image of the boy making him a flower bracelet in the hidden grove of Jema'grethy's forests. He sighs quietly again, and when the conversation stills somewhat, Roland parks his hand against the clothes of Inigo's back, warm and heavy. ]
The Brand in your eye...[ He starts off carefully, hoping he wasn't prying too much. ] And...the scars on your body. [ Roland can't help but hug him tighter as he speaks of it, unaware of the instinct to shield him even from an enemy long gone. What was he trying to say? What did he want to tell him after seeing all that and trying to piece together a past Inigo obviously wanted to hide...?
He settles on something else, then, no less genuine than if he had gone with what he really wanted to ask. Roland's voice falls gentle, and quiet. ]
You must have been through a lot. [ He closes his eyes. ] With quite a story to tell.
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[ Especially since he's imagining - dreaming, considering his current state? - it now. Roland dancing with his wife. It must have been nice to see.. Even though it sounds like they danced at formal parties, they still must have looked so in love.. Inigo kind of wishes he could have seen it somehow.
But his brain doesn't have long to linger on it, not when Roland continues with something else entirely. And in most situation that would have been startling enough to get Inigo right out of his sleepy state, but he's too far gone for that now.
Hence why he just answers, no matter how mumbled and only half coherent it is. This may be one of the rare situations where Inigo for once doesn't think of his usual filter. Because he can't when his mind is already mostly gone. ]
Usually don't.. wanna talk about it. [ The words come slowly, sentences interrupted midway by deep, sleepy breaths. ] I would just.. make everyone sad.. Worry.
[ That's the real reason he hides it all. It's not even a secret. There's no reason to keep it secret other than the fact that Inigo doesn't want people to have to worry about him, doesn't want people to feel sad for him ever. ]
'stead just.. want to.. make everyone smile..
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But Roland couldn't close his eyes as easily. He won't tell him, but he won't leave either. He'll watch over Inigo until the train pulls them apart, him in his cabin and Inigo resting well in his. How could he? After all that he's heard, regardless if the boy was aware of what he would talk about in his state of sleepiness? That he'd rather hide all of that in because he wanted people to see him as a source of joy, instead?
It draws out a warmth from Roland, roaring like a furnace. He was one to talk, but it's different. Men like him deserved the monsters that came out of nightmares. He made his bed. He'll lay in it until he is worthy of more. He'll work until he can save the world he left behind too. But Inigo? Pure, kind-hearted, gentle boy...with scars, with nightmares of his own. ]
[ Roland's arms reposition themselves as gently as they could so that he could embrace him fully now, like a cocoon, his body tilting to the side. Wherever his hands could reach, he pats him to help him fully into sleep.
He doesn't know what drives him to say what he does next. Maybe the pressure of Inigo's body sleeping on top of his is more effective than he gave it credit for. ]
If only William could meet you. You'd have made him really happy. Would've made him smile.
[ Inigo is still against this embrace, breaths steady and paced calm. It doesn't matter if the boy won't hear him now. It's nice to imagine. It gives him comfort.
Inigo would make a wonderful big brother, wouldn't he...
Roland closes his eyes. ]