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Reno? [ He spits out, under his breath. ] Reno called you names, for no reason? Reno, with the suit? Reno, from Purple? That Reno?
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Something here is really weird.
Okay, maybe Inigo didn't expect his act to be 100% believed, though he was hoping for it. It worked on Nita back on the island, he thinks, so maybe Roland would react the same way she did. Supportive, but going along with the way he was brushing it off.
Except what Roland is doing now is just about anything but brushing it off. ]
R.. Roland..?
[ Inigo sounds so surprised. He doesn't recall ever having seen the other this angry. Has he even seen him get angry at all? Roland is always so calm, or at the very least not intense. Not like this. ]
Y-Yes, you've.. got the right guy in mind. [ Inigo slowly nods, but the smile has definitely fallen from his face right now, leaving an expression that looks much more unsure. ] But why are you..
[ .. so angry. ]
Did I-- Did I say something wrong? [ Of course that's his first assumption. ]
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No. [ He shakes his head, the bun on his hair loosening somewhat. He's been washing his hands for fifteen seconds now, scrubbing. ] You said the right thing, in fact. This is not on you. You did nothing wrong. [ He turns the faucet off, leans on the sink with both hands, staring ahead. ]
...Reno told you that no one would ever love you? [ Now, Roland glances at Inigo, brows still furrowed, frown still set deep. ] All of this, he said without provocation? He just casually, verbally harassed you?
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And yet he doesn't dare to look away or break eye contact when the other turns his gaze Inigo's way. ]
I.. well..
[ Suddenly he feels scrutinized, and that immediately makes him worry about saying the wrong thing. Inigo is 99% sure Reno is just a jerk, but there's always that tiny room for self doubt when it comes to Inigo. ]
I have.. called him a jerk a few times.. S-since, when we met, he fell over when the train first started moving, and I asked him if he was alright, but he reacted really rudely to me in return! [ He's just rambling at this point. Roland looking so angry is awakening a nervous energy within him that he doesn't quite know how to still. ] H-He called me a "jackass" right away [ Said with the tone of someone who has literally never used that word himself, ] and said he would have knocked my teeth out if I had laughed at him.. and when I tried to tell him that some people are just nice and want to check up on others, he said that kind of thing wasn't real, and that I'm just a spineless loser who begs for scraps because nobody loves me.
[ Yes, he can recall Reno's exact words.
Which probably says more than Inigo consciously realises about just how much he's been thinking about them.
"It's kinda sad that even you think I'm right," Inigo knows Reno had said then, but even his nerves aren't enough to make him spill that part. ]
1/3 | CW: bullying
The first instance of this beast coming out to rear its ugly head was when he was younger than Inigo, even. He knows what that's like. To be the underdog, the one they've deemed weaker, the one that's too small to fight back, so instead you just take it all in and hope one day they'll grow too tired to hurt you. Maybe one day, they'll move on, or you'll grow bigger, just like them. And it'll all be over.
But if only things were that easy. Roland's stony expression is a facade for the bubbling temper slowly coming to the surface. He turns to look at Inigo, watching him move like he's about to dart out of the bathroom and run away. He didn't mean to make him nervous, but Roland promised to protect him, and this is what he's been going through without him knowing? From someone coming from their team? Roland sees Inigo's face fall, accepting it, vulnerable and raw. In his eyes, something far too familiar. Acceptance. Grief.
Jackass. Knock your teeth in.
Roland's knuckles begin to tremble with the force of his grip against the rim of the sink. But he hasn't uttered a word. Not a single sound.
Phony. Loser. Spineless. Nobody loves him.
When he exhales, there's a heaviness there. Something holding him back, but even that is starting to fade, the chains growing brittle in his anger. ]
2/3
The second time this beast returns to his periphery was months ago - months? - in Goldpaw, with Evan to bear witness. He felt it then, too. The desire to avenge. To rectify what was wrong. A mother and child just asking for safe passage, only to be denied by a beast who preyed on the weak, the innocent. Would hide at the sound of armies marching, would only come out when he knows he would win in a fight of intimidation.
It made Roland sick to his stomach. The ringing in his ears only grow louder.
Jerk. Loser. Spineless. Nobody loves you.
Knock your teeth in. For what? For Inigo telling him that he shouldn't be afraid of other people's kindness? What was Reno thinking? That this was cool? That this was right? Is this the experience he was boasting about, part of the Public Safety Department?
Roland's skin is crawling in disgust. He feels goosebumps in the back of his neck. Shameful.
Though it seems longer than it actually is, Roland breaks his dangerous reverie and turns fully to face Inigo, still sat there, still wondering what was running through his mind. But he shouldn't be fooled by the stoicism, for Roland was already on a different mode altogether. Now that he knew this about Reno, what was once amicable conversation with a capable teammate has turned into something he can't quite place. But it is no longer the same, and his desire to protect this child - a child he has asked for the privilege to put under his care - circumvents all else. ]
[ Roland's voice is low, throaty. Steady. ]
You know, Inigo. We have a word for people like Reno. He's a bully. A total bully without remorse. [ He kneels back down, leaning against one leg propped up so he meets Inigo's gaze straight on. His stare burns like a wildfire. His instincts are growing out of his control. Roland's hands are on his shoulders; firmly grasping him to understand. ] And bullies are cowards who would rather hurt other people even if they've done nothing wrong because that's the easier thing to do. You are innocent in all this. From what you've told me, your hands are clean and you should have called Reno worse things than just a jerk.
[ He leans close. ] None of what he says is true. None of it. You hear me? Don't you dare believe a single word that falls out of his mouth starting now. Stand up to him more, defend yourself more. When we don't fight bullies, they win. They get permission to do worse things to you, and suddenly, it's all out of your control.
3/3
Roland is standing up. His body is moving at a lethal calm. He removes his apron from its tie against his waist and the back of his neck and hangs it on the edge of the sink. He's walking out. He's - ]
And to threaten you with physical harm.
[ He remembers the pain on his mother's face. To this day, well into his adult life, he will never forget that his mother was hurt most of all. And now he feels it, from the other side of the grass. When Inigo is recalling his tale, when he's telling Roland that Reno was practically right to call him hurtful things, convinced -
- Certainly, this is what it feels like for a parent to hear this from a child, but he would think his mother had more grace than Roland. He can't change that about himself, so he doesn't.
He begins to walk out of the bathroom. ]
You stand up to bullies. You don't let them hurt you. You don't let them think this is okay. They don't get to win. I'm going to make an example of that, Inigo. You wait here. I'll be back.
[ His eyes start scanning for the nearest ICP terminal. Surely Reno was just gallivanting around the train as per his usual routine, right? He'd have access to his cabin at least, from the passenger roster. Wait for him there... ]
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And while Inigo can deal with anger coming from random people in battle easily and shrug it off like it's nothing, it's a lot harder to do when it's coming from someone he feels so close to. Even though it's not like the anger is aimed at him, he can still feel it. In Roland's eyes, in those hands on his shoulders, in his words. Inigo is rooted to the spot in a strange balance between wanting to back off from the danger and wanting to stick close to Roland at the same time.
So instead he sits there, nearly frozen as he listens to Roland's words. What's behind all of this? Just overprotectiveness? But his protectiveness back on the vulcano was so different, so much softer. He sure didn't talk smack about whatever force caused them to view those memories, after all. So what's different now?
Inigo tries to figure it all out, but before he can do as much, Roland is already moving. At first Inigo looks confused, but then he hears the words that make it very clear what the other is about to do.
Inigo immediately jumps to his feet. ]
Roland..!
[ In a moment where he's unsure of what exactly to do other than just stop the other at any cost, Inigo reaches out and literally latches himself onto Roland's arm - wrapping his arms around it and pulling it close until he's holding it against his chest, trying to keep the older man in place. ]
I.. Don't go. Please?
[ It's not too different from what he had asked from the other on the vulcano, but the emotion behind it is entirely different. Back then he was sad. Right now it's something different - maybe more akin to worry, or even fear.
Inigo isn't even worried about Roland's ability to take Reno on. Inigo feels like he could put up a decent fight against the other himself if he had to, and Roland is so competent that that means of course he would be able to do even better then.
But he's thinking of the bigger picture here. He can already envison Reno's face, asking if he's so much of a coward that he had to bring someone else into this. He can imagine the whole mess that may come from this if Reno and Roland's fight ends up being an actual physical fight, or even just a really loud verbal one - others getting involved, people turning it into something bigger. Maybe even people questioning Roland's judgement to go after this so intensely, rather than handling it rationally.
Somehow that last part feels the worst. If anyone would ever question anything about Roland just because of him.. He would never forgive himself.
His hold grows a little tighter, his eyes wider. ]
I-- It's alright. I already stood up to him! I told him that there's no merit in being such a cruel person, and that he'd never end up with friends this way, so there's no need for you to go..!
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I don't think he's in the mood to make friends if he talks to kind people the way that he did to you, Inigo. [ He speaks bitterly. Look at what happened. Reno had subdued Inigo to the point where he was getting scared of a confrontation. He clicks his tongue against his teeth, trying to gently nudge forward so Inigo can let go. ] You should have retaliated when he said he would knock your teeth in. Draw your weapon, challenge him to put his money where his mouth is. That wasn't just throwing mean words around. That was a direct threat. That's already a form of abuse.
[ And he tugs his arm again, trying, trying as gently as he possibly could so Inigo could let go. ] I'm not about to stand here and let Reno intimidate you like this. Not you. Not on my watch.
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Even though Inigo is still desperately clinging onto Roland's arm - maybe even moreso now the other is trying to pull himself free - those words do get to him. They almost make him want to release the other, since there's just something about the fact that Roland is willing to do this for him, is willing to protect him, is still so wild and new and hits him in the absolute softest parts of his heart.
But he knows he can't give in to the instinct of wanting to be comforted and protected, of wanting to hide behind the back of someone more dependable. It wouldn't be right. That can't be who he is. He can't do that to Roland. ]
I'd fight him if he'd attack me! [ It may sound like a desperate protest, an excuse, but it's the truth. If Reno had tried anything physical, Inigo sure wouldn't have held back. He would have fought back. ]
I'm not afraid of him. I'm not intimidated by him.
[ The look in his eyes is pleading, but it's more since he desperately wants to get through to Roland rather than him being actually scared. He's not lying, after all. It's just.. ]
I.. I just hate that he says the exact same things I'm thinking about myself. [ Inigo hates to admit that, but if it's necessary to get Roland to stop trying to throw Reno straight off the train, then he'll say it. Even though it makes his cheeks burn with shame. ] That's all.
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[ That's what makes Roland snap out of it. Timely as it is, he finally uncoils, that dangerous energy that surrounds him deflating like a balloon. He turns to face Inigo, his face a picture of confusion. ]
What did you just say? [ He slips his arm out of Inigo's grasp so he can cross his arms at him, not out of anger or anything; Roland is genuinely floored to hear that come out of his lips. That Reno was only validating how Inigo felt about himself? That he was spineless, deserved no friends, no love? It was throwing Roland completely off. ] No. None of that is true. [ Roland almost sounds like he's talking himself out of believing that because it's still so left-field for him. That's certainly not how he sees him. His forehead begins to crease in thought. ]
Inigo...[ He shakes his head again, hands restless as they find sanctuary leaning against his hip. ] I'm so sorry. I didn't know... [ ...that it was much deeper than bullying. That he had self-esteem issues this deep. It sinks in now. Not that it's an uncommon feeling of teens of his age, he had his own too. For a long time. But it hits differently knowing it's someone like Inigo, who puts himself so strong, so considerate of others. To hide this behind a smile...The same one he shows him every day... ]
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Though it comes at a cost, and Inigo is very much aware of what that cost is. Though he knows Roland wouldn't find him pathetic for thinking that way about himself - he's thankfully grown past that fear, at least - he still doesn't want the other to feel bad for him. ]
No.. [ So the word rolls across his lips almost instinctively as an answer. Quickly. He takes a step back from Roland - almost bumping against the toilet as he does so - and forces himself with all his might to smile. ]
No, it's nothing.. that bad. Nothing you have to worry about. [ He's lying through his teeth, and he's not sure he can get away with this one, considering the severity of what he just said. But he has to at least try and downplay it. Roland must have enough worries on his mind. Inigo can't allow himself to be so many of them.
He just has to try and minimize himself as usually. ]
I mean-- it's not even that I think it's all true! He said I was unloved, and I told him that wasn't true. I know people here care for me. [ That much is true.
But being spineless, begging for scraps, being hard to love.. Those are all true, Inigo thinks. But maybe if he puts emphasis on the one thing he knows Reno to be wrong about, he can sweep all of the things he does believe under the carpet, out of Roland's sight. ] There's just a few things I still worry about.. But it's nothing big!
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[ He stops himself because the emotions are still running pretty high. Bullying riles him up for so many reasons, but he can't forget what it was like either. He has to return to the Roland of the past, the little kid who thought taking in the hits and letting the bullies do what they wanted with him was the right thing to do.
He doesn't move into that enclosed space Inigo takes up for himself as he backs away. Instead, Roland takes a quick moment to close his eyes and just breathe. This seemed to be more than a Reno issue, even if that's how it started. This was about Inigo hearing what his insecurities are telling him are true, even when they're not. The redhead's bullying was just making it worse, amplifying it, validating it.
And that required a different approach to argue against. Roland thinks. He looks back and wonders what he could have done if he had to speak to the little one of his past; what he would tell Will, if Will came up to him and told him he was getting bullied too.
Roland leans against the sink, arms crossed. His energy returns to his regular wavelength, even if he'll never forget what Reno said to Inigo for as long as he's on the train. That, he'll deal with later. His voice remains intense, hushed. ]
None of it is true, Inigo. You're not just loved, you're also brave. And generous. And kind. Warm. Friendly. You're all those things, and more. [ He shakes his head, loosening his hair tie. ] But I know you're not going to believe me off the bat. That voice in our heads is a lot stronger than we give it credit for. [ He speaks from experience now, only hoping to empathize with Inigo in a different way. ]
I should know. [ Roland glances at Inigo, cramped as they are in this little bathroom they were just cleaning moments before. He's much calmer now, even though his words are weighty. ] A lot of people said mean, nasty things about me too, once upon a time. They hurt me in ways I can't forget. And the worst part was I believed them, thought they were right. I even told myself, maybe if I just agreed to all of it, all that abuse, then they'd finally leave me alone.
They didn't. And I felt terrible, every single day. But on and on, it went. Inside my head, outside with the other kids. A never-ending cycle.
[ Inigo may not know it right away, but this was a narration of Roland's own past. A lesson he wishes to impart, even if it was unsolicited or unwarranted. ]
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But thankfully he doesn't have to address that. Instead he can just listen to the rest of what the other says, even though his story baffles Inigo. He even has to sit down on the toilet - with the cover down, thank you very much - to fully take in the story. ]
You told yourself those kinds of things..? [ Inigo sounds baffled, like he can't wrap his head around it. Roland being bullied is one thing - it sucks, but sometimes you can't help it when others decide to pick on you, no matter how great you are. But.. how could Roland of all people repeat those words back to himself too? He's so great in every way. Not to mention he seems so much more outwardly confident than Inigo ever feels! ] But.. you don't do that anymore now though, do you..?
[ Roland has never seemed like him. Inigo hasn't thought of them as similar, just for that fundamental difference. Roland is confident and capable. Inigo is not. ]
Is it since you don't have to deal with those people anymore?
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No one will ever truly understand how much pain he hides, or the amount of guilt he harbors for the things that he couldn't do for his country.
He leans more comfortably now, watching the suds starting to dry on the floor. Their work left unfinished, for now. ]
Something like that. [ He answers simply, at first. And it's vague for a reason - is he affirming Inigo's first or second question? Maybe both? And though this is now his third time repeating this story, the feeling that washes over him doesn't grow dull. He credits it to how he eventually found his voice, even when everyone around him chose to silence him instead. ]
I was just a kid, then. I was smaller than everyone else, so they picked on me and I couldn't do much against them. I let them do those things to me because I felt like being smaller might have meant it gave them permission. Maybe a part of my younger self believed that.
[ A short beat passes before he meets Inigo's gaze as he sits on the closed toilet bowl. His hand makes a gesture in the air as he continues. ]
But do you want to know how I realized I had to do something?
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It feels a little unfair to listen to it, since it's not like Inigo has had to endure truly being picked on, other than the whole situation with Reno here. His situation - where it's mostly his own brain being hard on him, because compared to others he's always just not strong enough, not fast enough, always a step behind - doesn't feel like it's as rough as Roland's at all.
But he does his best to listen all the same, trying to appreciate that Roland trusts him enough to share it all the same, even as Inigo feels his heart growing heavy while sitting there. ]
Yes. How did you realise..?
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Every time I came home crying, I would look at my mom's face and see how hurt she was. It killed me, watching her suffer like that.
[ He closes his eyes. Decades have passed and still it all remains clear. It was an integral part of his development, well into adulthood he keeps it as a reminder that bullying would never be tolerated now that he's earned power. He hopes that even in some way, he could do the same for Inigo - grant him the strength to at least, try. When he opens his eyes now, he makes sure to catch Inigo's eye, an ember of determination thrown his way. ]
I'd like to think my mom wasn't any different than any other parent or guardian out there. If they knew their kid was being bullied, being made to believe that they were less of a person than others were...it just isn't right. [ He doesn't have to be too explicit. He assumes with the way he's speaking, and the words he's choosing, Roland knows Inigo is getting at the real meaning. It's not even about Roland being his adopted father on the train; but more of the one person Inigo cares about the most. If Olivia knew about the things he's convinced himself he was, exacerbated by Reno's excessive picking, what would she say? She would be heartbroken, and Roland didn't even need to meet her in person to know that. ]
Just something to think about, for when it gets tough up in here. [ He offers a quiet smile, taps the side of his temple twice. It's not at all meant to be a solution, but a gentle offering, a way out if it works. ] It's pretty hard to talk yourself down and believe bullies when you've got the invincible power of your mom by your side, right? [ And boy, his mom sure was. Olivia too; by degree of having a son who cared so much about others. She had to have been. ]
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It's an easy connection to make, after all. Roland's intense reaction to bullying makes it very clear that he thinks it isn't right, and he is Inigo's father here on the train. It sure doesn't help Inigo's anxiety - with where the speech is headed, it almost feels like Roland is about to say he's disappointed in Inigo for not doing more about this. For not fighting back more than he has already tried to.
But then the conversation flips over in a different direction, Inigo realising the true meaning behind the other guy's words when he mentions Inigo's mother.
.. He's not sure if that makes him feel better or just worse though. ]
Roland.. Mother is dead. [ He puts his hands on top of his knees, his fingers digging into the fabric of his pants. ] She doesn't have to know about this. Any of this.
[ Not just the bullying. But also Inigo's incredible lack of any self esteem. Or the way he turned out - patheticly weak yet stained with blood at the same time. The worst of two worlds. The thought of showing his mother anything other than a smile threatens to tear his heart apart. ]
I-- I shouldn't have told you either, huh. [ His gaze turns downward, the knuckles on his hands starting to turn white from his grip. ] Forgive me, I didn't mean to burden you with the knowledge of all this. I am dealing with it myself, so there is no need for you to worry or get upset. I will solve this.
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One of them of course, is assuming that his mother was already gone. How could Roland not read in between the lines? How could he ignore that look in Inigo's eyes whenever he speaks of Olivia? More than anyone, he was familiar with loss the most. He may try to fight it, but his pain lingers close, never too far from his heart. Inigo's eyes are always glossy with something deeper, and now he knows one of the reasons why his heart is tender; why it beats so strongly the way that it does.
He listens to Inigo speak, but he also makes his way towards him, crosses that short distance between them, and carefully, lays a gentle hand against his hair, stroking it softly, comfortingly. ]
I know, Inigo. I kind of figured. [ He continues to stroke his hair, back and forth, radiating warmth with low tones reverberating against his chest. ] And I'm sorry for your loss. It's...it's never easy, and it hardly gets better even when days and years pass. You just sort of live with it. [ As he has. As he does. Will lost his mother too, and at such a young age. He told Inigo as much before, in the forest, but it hits Roland harder when he knows deep down, he may have lost Will too; to the fire, to the brimstone. ]
[ He stays silent for a good while, letting the conversation ease into a steady rhythm as heavy as it was - for both of them. Roland watches Inigo's fist grip into his clothes and he knows he needs to keep going, though his comforting touch is never too far away. ]
We all come from different worlds, different dimensions. But still, a part of me thinks it's universal that parents are still looking out for their children. Even if they're separated by time, space...life, or death. [ He closes his eyes for a breath of a moment. So close; too close to his own horror, but he will keep going. He must. ] Even when they're not with you, you know they still are. They're a part of you, forever.
So, just think about that okay? [ Roland's voice remains as young as he looks, but somehow, he has once again transcended the magic; now, as his hand continues to keep Inigo close, he is the same man, the same father, just trying his best. ] That Olivia is rooting for you, even now, and that someone who's earned all of her love can't possibly be as bad of a person as they think they are.
[ He halts the strokes against Inigo's hair as he kneels to his eye level, similar to how he looked at him in Jema'grethy. The emotion swelling behind Roland's eyes is unmistakable. ]
And you have to stop calling it a burden on me when I want in. I'll help you carry whatever load you lend me. That includes dealing with this, with Reno, with whoever hurts you. I promised, right?
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And Roland gives that here in spades. He's trying so hard to make Inigo feel better. He can see that, even though it's hard to ignore the constant hum of anxiety that hangs around at the back of his brain at all times.
Inigo actually looks up to hold Roland's gaze when the other kneels. Even though it's hard, especially the more he sees that emotion in the other's eyes, practically mirrored in Inigo's own. Like it's all about to burst forth. ]
R-- Roland..
[ The words echo in his mind. That Olivia is rooting for you, even now, and that someone who's earned all of her love can't possibly be as bad of a person as they think they are.
His mind travels back, months and months back, before he ever learned of this train. Back when he saw his mother for the last time - no, the Olivia from the past, not his mother, he tries to remind himself. That time when she had smiled so warmly at him, and said I'll do anything to make you happy, my darling boy.
And now here's Roland. Obviously filled with just as many emotions. Even though Inigo obviously isn't his biological son. Even though they only got to know each other here, and perhaps not even all that long in the grand scheme of things-- But even so, in the same vein, he says I'll help you carry whatever load you lend me.
Inigo reaches out, his arms wrapping around Roland's shoulders, which is thankfully easy when the other is kneeling down and Inigo is sitting. He buries his face into the other's shoulder, loudly sniffing. ]
Thank you.. [ He gasps more than he actually says, hot tears starting to swell in his eyes. 'Thank you' for so many things. For listening to his dumb problems. For wanting to help him with said dumb problems. For giving him chance after chance after chance. ] Thank you for being my father...
1/2
It wasn't Inigo's eyes, the way he looked at Roland like he was saving him from the dark.
It wasn't the way he cried, or the tears that now wet his shirt.
It wasn't even the flurry of emotion that overtake Inigo the moment Roland tells him that his mother wouldn't have wanted to see her only son be so down on himself, convinced that a bully's words were the truth.
No, it was because Inigo told him - Thank you for being my father - that breaks Roland's guard completely and utterly. His eyes grow wide, his mouth opens, slightly agape. The shock is good, it feels good, but he feels unworthy of it. Inigo's gratitude was too pure for him, too much for his heart to bear.
Though moments ago he was asking Inigo to fight his inner saboteur, here was Roland allowing his insecurities to suddenly overtake him in a maelstrom of doubt. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be thanked for being a father. No one's ever told him that before. Not even Will, who he knows he's already failed. He's failed his son, allowed him to die. Even his determination had its limits, and there are nights when he wonders what has become of Will, his home, his country. The imprint of his shame. The source of his sorrow.
Roland eventually moves his arms around Inigo as he cries into his shoulder, and for the first time in a long time, outside of the twisted landscape of his own mind, the president closes his eyes and allows a silent tear - or two - to roll down his face.
Thank you for being my father.
But I don't deserve your gratitude. ]
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Hey now, it's okay. Let it out. It's fine. Cry as much as you want. Don't hold back.
[ He repeats the words he knows he's said to Inigo a while back now. It's all he can draw back on because he can't - he won't - take that from Inigo. He won't acknowledge his gratitude, not until he's earned the right. From all of them. From Will. From Evan. From Inigo. ]
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He doesn't know - perhaps blissfully oblivious, in this case, because there is no way Inigo wouldn't have argued about how much Roland does deserve his praise, deserves even much more than that otherwise.
But for now, without that knowledge, there's none of that. Instead Inigo just cries, the tears only coming and coming when he hears those words from the other.
He feels more than a little ridiculous. He knows Roland won't mind, that the other won't judge him, but Inigo is fairly sure anyone else would take one look at this and find it ridiculous.
Hence why he mumbles between tears: ]
I'm not a toddler, you know..
[ He shouldn't have to cry like this. After everything he's been through, he should be numb by now. But he isn't. ]
I-- It's just.. overwhelming. You're so nice to me. I feel like I'm not giving you enough in return..
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[ He chuckles affectionately. ] I know that. Doesn't mean you shouldn't cry it all out anyway. [ An irony, considering Roland himself would refuse it if he was faced with the same circumstance. He lets Inigo continue to cry against his shoulder for a couple more minutes, not wanting to rush what to say either. He tightens his hold around him, finally finding his voice, fond and heavy. ]
...I don't want anything. [ Just let me protect you. He swallows thickly, and adds another thing, just as sentimental as the first. ]
Except maybe, I want you to try. Try fighting it. Even if you don't win, that's okay. Keep fighting with all of your heart until one day, you do win. Okay? [ Roland knows Inigo understands. The voices. The ones telling him he'll never be enough, that he's weak, that he's everything Reno says is true. ] It's not going to be easy, but you're not alone. And what could pull down Olivia's son, anyway? Heh. Nothing, that's what.
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But he hasn't. That's the proof that he's been fighting it. But it's just-- his current level of fighting isn't enough to make them go away, isn't enough to prevent his heart from sinking every time all the same.
He wipes at his eyes. ]
.. of course I'll try fighting it. [ But it's just hard, he means to say, though Inigo swallows those words right back up. ] You're right here with me, after all. And so are all of my friends here.
[ That's what makes it worth it - has always made it worth it. As long as he's not alone, Inigo knows he can keep going. Just as long as he's not all alone. ]
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